Fourteen years after my diagnosis, reflecting on the chaotic search for the right care, the tribe that held me up, and why I’m glad I stayed. The Weight of Untreated Memories
It’s hard to wrap my mind around today, and my heart feels heavy. Facebook memories are an interesting thing. Sometimes they make you reflect on really happy moments, funny memories, or silly things you’ve posted in the past. Other times, they bring up the painful chapters. This time around, I was reminded that I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder around this time 14 years ago. The memories of living untreated are intense. Hearing my diagnosis for the first time, wrestling with the feelings that followed, and speaking hard truths out loud for the very first time—it is a lot to process. Behind the Happy Picture The hardest memory that popped up yesterday widened my eyes and brought tears to my face. Looking at the photo, it looks like a happy family picture from a great concert. But the reality behind it is that I barely remember it because I was so intoxicated and high. I was trying so hard to live on the outside because I was dying on the inside—lost, alone, and drowning in deep depression. Before receiving proper medical care, turning to self-medication was a desperate attempt to cope with a brain that was wired and out of control.
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 Life doesn’t always happen the way you expect. At 18, I had the world ahead of me. I told myself that by 21 I’d have a career, a degree, and a girlfriend. I thought about travel, kids, and a bright future. But life had other plans. About a month after my 21st birthday, I found myself locked inside a psychiatric hospital for 17 days on a 51/50 hold. I had no idea what a "psychotic break" actually meant, because in my eyes, I was fine. Everyone else had the problem. Not me. Part 1: Surf, School, Sleep & RepeatBefore my mind fractured, life was simple. Aside from classic teenage angst, my daily loop was surf, school, sleep, and repeat. I had friends I loved, a good life, and a general sense of whatever happens, I’ll figure it out. Up until then, I’d been able to navigate life's obstacles and bounce back quickly. It was easy to assume things would just stay that way. There was nothing a good night with friends, a solid surf session, and maybe a little bit of bud couldn’t fix.
My brain had other plans. |
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